I feel like I’m in such a rush to grow up and I don’t know how to turn it off. I want to enjoy the moment, I want to be happy with what I have. I want to count my blessings and be satisfied. I want what I have right here, right now, to be enough. Somehow it isn’t. I have a great fucking life and I feel like a spoiled brat when it isn’t enough but it isn’t. I want to make it stop. I want to stop thinking about how good I have it and then thinking “but wouldn’t it be great if I just had *insert whatever stupid fantasy here*”. It’s so silly. Blah. People’s lives are taking off and people are getting great jobs, interviews, going to new schools, applying for great programs, getting engaged, getting married, buying houses, buying new cars and in seeing all of this and in doing none of that my life feels so mediocre.
My boyfriend is wonderful. He’s really and truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. He came to me at a time when I felt lost, similar to how I’m feeling right now, and he gave me direction. I feel like I have a purpose with him. He’s so great! Since meeting him my grades are up, my goals seem attainable and I’m overall happier. However, the way I’m feeling right now, I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone who. he thinks is great but cannot for the life of her, see it herself. It must be so frustrating for him. I’m frustrated with myself right now. Like dude, you know you have a great life just be happy jeeeeeeeeeeeeez. Things could be so much worse. Why can’t you just be happy knowing that alone?
I think it’s because I’m arrogant and self-righteous. I have no right to be, but I know that I am those things. I truly believe that I deserve better LOL how silly right? I want the kind of life where I can make money without having to work in a factory anymore, where I make enough money to get my own place and make it comfortable, where I have enough money to spoil my boyfriend and family and friends- they all deserve it! My dad has no problem giving me money and it’s wonderful. It just feels so embarassing to be at this age and still have to ask for money to go out. He doesn’t make a big deal out of it or anything it just makes me feel so juvenile and I hate that. I know I need to be patient and I know that eventually my time will come. I just want it to be here now! Lol I’m such a brat. Anyway that’s my rant for now. I kinda sorta hope no one reads this but I kinda sorta hope everyone reads is too. I don’t know what I want.